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• Wednesday, October 9, 2013

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How to Have a Happier Marriage: Sharon Meers and Joanna Strober Argue that 50/50 Parenting Is the Solution

In their new book Getting to 50/50, Sharon Meers and Joanna Strober make the case that dividing household chores and parenting equally leads to couples having fewer fights.

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Getting to 50/50, by Sharon Meers and Joanna Strober

"Don’t believe the myths about women and work—this advice will benefit you now and in the future."—Sheryl Sandberg, author of the #1 New York Times bestseller Lean In

(PRWEB) October 09, 2013

Sharon Meers and Joanna Strober's new book Getting to 50/50: How Working Parents Can Have It All (Viva Editions 2013) has begun a conversation around women and the workplace and the division of labor at home.

Meers and Strober argue that a 50/50 marriage, in which the day-to-day duties of parenting and household upkeep are divided equally between both parents, leads to reduced marital fights. This intriguing theory is featured in the Chicago Tribune in an articlethat explores the advantages of Getting to 50/50. According to one study cited by Meers and Strober, 80 percent of arguments that women initiate are about housework. It's clearly an important issue, and one that can be addressed with an open dialogue between spouses about the division of labor. As the article suggests, "Genuine, lasting progress is going to require change from both genders."

Meers and Strober provide more tips on 50/50 parenting at their newly launched website, which features important facts about equality in the workplace, exclusive excerpts from the book, and a "50/50 roadmap."

Meet Sharon and Joanna in person at these upcoming Bay Area events:

10/25/13 7pm, Books Inc Alameda, Alameda, CA
10/27/13 4pm, Book Passage Marin, Corte Madera, CA
10/30/13 7:30pm, Kepler's Bookstore, Menlo Park, CA
1/17/14 The Commonwealth Club, San Francisco, CA

What people are saying about Getting to 50/50 (also available as an audio book)

"Don't believe the myths about women and work - this advice will benefit you now and in the future."
—Sheryl Sandberg, author of Lean In and COO of Facebook

"Offers advice on how to get husbands to pull their weight around the house."
—"Woman's Hour," BBC 4

Sharon Meers leads global business development and sales for X.commerce, the open commerce platform of eBay, helping merchants grow with better technology. Formerly, Meers was a managing director at Goldman Sachs, where she worked for 16 years and was co-chair of the Women's Network in the Investment Management Division. She and her husband founded the Partners for Parity at Stanford Business School and the Dual-Career Initiative at Harvard.

Joanna Strober is Managing Director of a fund investing in private partnerships at Sterling Stamos, an investment firm in Silicon Valley and the founder of the "working stiffs" mom's group. As one of the few females in private equity in Silicon Valley, Strober has been featured in the front page of the Wall Street Journal for launching several well known companies.

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Excerpt of the Day: "Help! My Baby Came Without Instructions" by Blythe Lipman

Make no mistake, babies are precious.  With their cute little noses, teeny tiny toes, eyes full of wonder, and infectious giggles, these little bundles can bring you hours of joy and entertainment.  But for a new parent, bringing home a baby can be the scariest day of his or her life.

It doesn’t have to be. 

Help! My Baby Came Without Instructions is a truly useful how-to that will have nervous new moms and sleep-deprived dads feeling confident about their parenting skills.  Blythe Lipman has devoted her life to the gentle art of infant care and offers wise and witty practical advice in this parent-tested, expert-approved book.  Rest easy, new parents, help is here.

Take a look:

Slip and Slide

The safe, fun way to bathe your baby

Bathing can be very scary for your new baby. Once the water hits her little body, it is a whole new experience of slipping, sliding, and squirming. Here are a few tips to make Bath Time 101 a bit easier.

-Before you fill up any kind of tub, have the baby’s towel (and all other supplies you might need) next to the tub.

-Fill the tub or sink with enough water to cover the baby’s tummy. Before you put your baby in the water, test the water temperature with your elbow. It should be warm to the touch.

-Make sure all the windows are closed and fans are turned off. The room should be free of drafts.

-Take the baby’s diaper off last. Naked babies (as you will learn probably sooner than later) go to the bathroom anyplace. Don’t be alarmed if she goes in the bath. This is very natural but sometimes frustrating when you have to start all over.

-Wash from the bottom of the toes up to the head. Some babies don’t like having their hair washed. Starting with tears is not fun.

-Buy Summer Comfy Baby’s Safety Foam Bath Sponge, by Summer Infant, a rectangular sponge with indentations that look like the baby’s body. This sponge will fit in the bathtub or a large sink. Fill the tub or sink with enough water to cover three-fourths of the sponge. Put the baby on her back so you have both hands free to soap, wash, and play. You can find this sponge at Babies “R” Us, Target, and Walmart, as well as online.

-Use a small plastic baby tub that will fit into your large tub. They make these tubs with fabric attached to the top (like a hammock), extending from top to bottom on a slant. The baby’s bottom is submerged in the water and the rest of her body is partially covered. You still need to support the baby with one hand, but you don’t have to worry that her head will go under the water.

-Or put a large towel in the bottom of the sink and fill it with a few inches of water. While you support the baby’s head and body with your hand, the towel will prevent her from sliding.

-When the baby can sit up, purchase a plastic bath chair. This seat attaches to the bottom of the tub with suction cups.

-When washing the baby’s hair, hold a washcloth in front of her eyes while you rinse, to keep them dry and shampoo-free. Gently tilt the baby’s head back and rinse using a plastic cup filled with warm water.

-There’s even a product that looks like a circle of soft plastic, almost like a sun visor, that attaches around the back of the baby’s head with Velcro. This hat fits on top of the baby’s head so you can pour water to rinse the shampoo away without it getting into her eyes.

-Picking baby shampoos or bath products is personal. Some contain aloe, lavender, roses, and conditioner together with shampoo, baby wash to relax the baby, and so on. Try them all until you find one that you and she like.

-Bubble bath sometimes irritates the baby’s skin. As an alternative, if you want to make bubbles, pour a small capful of shampoo under the running water.

-The bathtub is a great place to blow bubbles with a wand, for the baby to play with.

-Take the baby out and put her onto a big towel, wrap her up, and give her a kiss.

-If you use powder, pour it into your hand first, then rub it on the baby. Never shake it directly on her body, as it could get into her eyes, nose, mouth, and lungs.

-Don’t forget to have fun washing, singing, and playing. There is nothing cuter than a squeaky-clean baby to make you smile.

Excerpt of the Day: "The Available Parent" by Dr. John Duffy

Teenagers.  Just the thought of your sweet baby becoming one of those moody, rebellious, distant creatures can be terrifying.  But it doesn’t have to be.  Dr. John Duffy’s The Available Parent shows readers how they can begin to enjoy a healthy, satisfying, exciting new kind of relationship with their teenagers.

Take a look:

They look so different, don’t they, than they did when they were younger? Many of those soft, gentle, rounded features of childhood have been replaced with angles, edges, muscle, height, and hair. As preteens and teenagers, they seem pointier somehow. The face that for years wore a perpetual smile now carries something heavier in the brow, something more thoughtful or sullen. You fear loneliness or depression has befallen them. And the way they look, that’s just a part of it, isn’t it? They act differently, more self-conscious, moody, unpredictable, and concerned. Definitely less joyful. And then there’s the way they relate to you. What happened there? Your life together to date has been nearly blissful in comparison, filled with fun and laughter, learning and sharing.

That sharing part, that really seems missing today. They really don’t seem to want to talk with you or share with you at all. They seem distant and avoidant. Their bedroom is a vault, filled with secrets and answers you no longer feel privy to. You find yourself in the paradoxical position of grieving the loss of someone very much alive, someone you hear snoring, talking on the phone, or tromping to the bathroom upstairs. You feel evermore powerless and afraid. All their lives, you have heard and read about the horrors of adolescence, but always felt that your family would somehow get a pass. But here you are. Yet you know, deep in your heart, that it doesn’t have to be this way.

You are right.

If any of this resonates with you, you are right. Even if it has been this way for years, even if the same dynamic played out in your relationships with your parents, and their relationships with their parents, you are right. It does not have to be this way. I am writing this book because I have seen families change. I have been fortunate in my work to witness teenagers and parents reconnecting, doing so in healthy ways, ways that set the stage for growth all around. Yes, parenting an adolescent can be difficult at times, but

I know that with the right tools, and a dramatically different way of perceiving these years, you can recapture your bearings and find the joy again.

Now, I’m not sure why we as a culture feel the need to hold tight to the dread of adolescence. Perhaps we find some comfort in the idea that everybody feels this way about teenagers, so it must be true. Maybe it provides us with an excuse when things go wrong—“Well, like the books say, she’s crazy. What can I do?” Either way, I think a change in point of view, in which we see our teenagers as the extraordinary individuals that they are, will make parenting them far less daunting and far more enjoyable. For everybody.

Let's talk amongst ourselves, shall we?

Teach your teen how to talk again

Feb 15, 2012 12:00 PM by Mary Fetzer

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Too much texting takes a toll on teens TALK MORE, TEXT LESS As kids communicate more and more via texting, they're losing the ability to talk face-to-face with real people. Parents can stop this trend. "We have to pull teens out of the cyber world and into the joys of interacting with other people face to face. If we do not, we risk sending them into adulthood bereft of the social skills they will need for a successful career and relationships." -- Kevin J. Roberts. As the author of Cyber Junkie: Escape the Gaming and Internet Trap, Kevin J. Roberts speaks to parent groups across the country about how texting has affected communication among children. How texting falls short Research shows that conversation involves more than just words: 7 percent: the actual content of your message 38 percent: the tone of your voice 55 percent: body language "Effective communication requires all three of these components," says Roberts, "and a text message eliminates two of them." The result is miscommunication and a total breakdown of conversation. How texting impacts your child's writing skills >> Texting lacks empathy "For quick communications, such as 'I'll be home for dinner at six,' text messaging is great," says adolescent psychiatrist Sujatha Ramakrishna. "For maintaining relationships with other human beings, it pretty much stinks." "There's no way of knowing how the person on the other end is reacting." "If your daughter tells her friend that her shoes are hideous, and her friend starts crying, your daughter ends up feeling sad too," explains Dr. Ramakrishna. "Human beings naturally pick up on the feelings of others through facial expressions and body language. If someone else feels bad, we feel bad too. Through experiences like these, kids learn how to behave in ways that don't offend or upset others." But what happens when kids comment via text messages? "There's no way of knowing how the person on the other end is reacting," says Dr. Ramakrishna. "There's no incentive to stop hurting someone's feelings, and so the rude behavior continues. It's the reason that cyber-bullying is so common... and so damaging." Dr. Ramakrishna describes the "Dark Ages of Etiquette" >> Encourage real conversation The loss of regular language among our kids is a growing concern for Dr. John Duffy, clinical psychologist, parenting expert and author of The Available Parent: Radical Optimism for Raising Teens and Tweens. "We will never be able to 'beat' the texting revolution, but we can control the way we communicate with and relate to our kids," says Dr. Duffy, who offers these communication tips: What Draw out discussions with them. How Ask genuine, curious, open-ended questions. Where At the dinner table, in the car or wherever you can acquire their undivided attention. And do your part. "We can't expect our kids to speak with clarity and maturity if we're using the LOL shorthand on a regular basis," says Dr. Duffy. What your child wants you to know about his cell phone >> Set an example Have you every shooed your child away while texting a friend? Your kids are taking note. Dr. Lisa Greenberg, a licensed psychologist who works with teens and parents, encourages parents to put away their own electronic devices when they're with family. "Kids tell me that they want to talk to their parents but feel like the parents are glued to their own texting and can't be pulled away," says Dr. Greenberg. TIP Save your texting for when the kids are in school or after they've gone to bed. Be available -- without distraction -- when they need to talk to you. What else parents should know about texting Cell phones options for kids Cell phone safety tips for kids, tweens and children The new teen relationships: Teens who text and date

The world's "better than greatest" dad?

If these adjectives don't describe your dad, ask Arthur Plotnik Word lovers will be equally delighted by this rhapsody of rhetoric

More · Buy

Better Than Great
A Plenitudinous Compendium of Wallopingly Fresh Superlatives
by Arthur Plotnik
Better Than Great is the essential guide for describing the extraordinary—the must-have reference for anyone wishing to rise above tired superlatives. Arthur Plotnik, the wunderkind of word-wonks is, without mincing, proffering a well knit wellspring of worthy and wondrous words to rescue our worn-down usage. Plotnik is both hella AND hecka up to the task of rescuing the language of praise, offering readers the chance to never be at a loss for words!

Booklist gave Better Than Great a starred review: "Original, assiduously researched, and zestfully written, this work of reviviscent wordy fun is to be read as well as consulted, and what gonzo joy awaits language lovers as Plotnik serves up high-fivable hot sauce for the brain."



More · Buy

Wordcatcher
An Odyssey into the World of Weird and Wonderful Words
by Phil Cousineau
The world's preeminent mythology scholar explores the mystery and meaning of marvelous words

Author Phil Cousineau explores the obscure territory of word origins with great erudition and endearing curiosity. The English poet W. H. Auden was once asked to teach a poetry class for 20 students. Two hundred applied to study with him. When asked how he chose his students, he said he picked the ones who actually loved words. So too, with this book—it takes a special wordcatcher to create a treasure chest of remarkable words and their origins, and any word lover will relish the stories that Cousineau has discovered.



Know any dads of tweens or teens? And for the dad who's got everything
The Available Parent
Radical Optimism for Raising Teens and Tweens
by John Duffy
Embrace Fearless Parenting

When hugs and family fun have been replaced by silence, slamming doors and an ever-changing array of moods, you need new tools. Top teen expert Dr. John Duffy has encountered all of this and more in his family counseling practice and offers excellent advice, clear strategies and teen-tested solutions in The Available Parent.

Dr. Duffy can help you shift the dynamic in your relationship with your teenager. Using the techniques in The Available Parent, you can begin to enjoy a healthy, satisfying, new kind of relationship with your teenager—one based on a foundation of radical optimism, rather than fear-based control. Dr. Duffy's step-by-step guide is an innovative approach to taking care of teens and tweens. You'll see that it's the available parent that fosters an extraordinary teenager.



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Random Obsessions
Trivia You Can't Live Without
by Nick Belardes
A People's History of the Peculiar
Did you know Thomas Jefferson’s grandson was an ax murderer? How about an ailment so surreal it’s named after Alice in Wonderland? Historian Nick Belardes explains the unexplained, from the permanently puzzling Mothman conspiracy to secret Star Wars Jedi religious cults and the charmingly eccentric reason why British aerospace engineers sent teddy bears floating out into space.

Truly trivia you can’t live without, Random Obsessions is filled with facts, lists, definitions, and astonishing information guaranteed to provide you with the best cocktail conversation for many years to come. Your guide, Nick Belardes, has devoted his life to poking around the peculiar and perplexing, and the result is a trivia book that is anything but trivial. These real-world facts are outlandish enough to sharpen your brain and occupy your mind for hours of reading.



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Viva Editions, an imprint of Cleis Press, 2246 Sixth St., Berkeley, CA 94710

When it is $200 an hour, you want to get true benefit

9 Ways to Make the Most Out of Therapy

By MARGARITA TARTAKOVSKY, M.S.

Therapy can be tricky. Before even walking in the door for their first appointment, many people already have a variety of preconceived notions. And these beliefs can become blocks in treatment, interfering with the therapeutic process.

Below two seasoned psychologists debunk common myths aboutpsychotherapy and offer pointers on making the most out of therapy.

Misconceptions and Concerns About Psychotherapy

According to Ryan Howes, Ph.D, psychologist, writer and professor in Pasadena, California, “Some clients expect their therapists to give them direct advice, telling them who to date and what to study and when to break up.” It’s easy to think this way considering that TV therapists dole out advice without hesitation. “But most therapists resist giving advice because they believe it’s better for the client to learn to solve their own problems,” he says.

Clients also worry about what others will think. They wonder what’ll happen if their co-workers or friends find out they’re going to therapy. They might automatically assume others will think they’re “weak, flawed [or] crazy,” comments Chicago psychologist and life coach John Duffy, Ph.D. In reality, though, “More often than not, people tend to be very supportive,” he says. Plus, it’s up to you who you tell about your therapy, and confidentiality laws protect your privacy.

The therapy process itself can get confusing. According to Duffy, people might have questions like: “Is it brainwashing? Will it change my personality? What if focusing on my problems will make them worse, not better?”

These myths and concerns stem from various sources, including therapists themselves. Howes says: “…no two therapies/therapists are alike, the media does a lousy job of portraying realistic therapy, many people are still too ashamed to talk about it and therapists don’t always do a good job of teaching clients the best ways to get the most from their therapy.”

How to Make the Most of Therapy

1. Do your homework.

Be a discerning consumer by doing your research. Therapists “have different approaches, and come from different schools of thought,” Duffy says. For instance, you might learn the differences between treatment approaches, such as cognitive-behavioraltherapy and psychodynamic therapy, he says.

2. Ask for referrals.

“It is difficult to determine on paper or via a website who will work for you,” Duffy says, “So ask around.”

3. Consider expertise.

“If you are seeking a therapist for a teenager, for instance, you probably want to avoid the therapist who focuses on couples work,” Duffy explains. Similarly, if you know your diagnosis, see someone who specializes in that disorder.

4. Be open to change and the process.

Change is hard. And it’s a pivotal part of therapy. As Duffy says, “By definition, therapy is a change process, and it will and should foster a bit of discomfort. This is not a bad thing.”

Engaging fully in therapy increases the chances of its effectiveness, he says. Think of it this way: “In order to get a different result, you’ll probably need to try a different approach,” Howes says.

So trust the process. “Some of the techniques therapists use — like the empty chair, reflective listening and thought stopping — can seem corny at first, but many people find them effective.” And keep in mind that some issues will require bigger changes than you initially thought, he adds.

5. Limit the process.

Another way to foster change is to remember that the therapeutic process doesn’t go on forever. “That is, if we think therapy has no end, we may put off the changes we want and need to make. If we know we’re working together for about 6, or 12 or even 20 weeks, that timing provides a context for us to think about and enact change,” Duffy says.

6. Make therapy part of your life.

Many people expect change to happen from an hour a week at the therapist’s office, Duffy points out. But “…in order for the process to foster real change, a great deal of the work has to take place outside of the therapy room.”

This “might range from a simple meditation to a significant change in work habits to ending a dysfunctional relationship.”

In other words, “Therapy is one of those ‘you get out of it what you put into it’ activities,” Howes says. He suggests “Keep a journal, show up to appointments on time, read books about your issue, do your homework and dive in.”

The key, Duffy says, is to hold yourself accountable for this outside work.

7. Be brutally honest.

For instance, whether you have positive or negative feelings about your therapist, don’t be afraid to bring them up, Howes says. In fact, “…this sort of discussion can provide some of the best results therapy has to offer.”

Consequently, he says, “Whether you’re talking about yourself, your past, your ‘craziest’ thoughts or the relationship with the therapist, brutal honesty is the quickest route to results.”

8. Realize that “things can get worse before they get better,” Howes says.

“After a few sessions of poking around in a person’s psyche, we’ve opened several cans of worms and it can feel overwhelming,” he says. It’s not uncommon that “…people come in to work on one problem and soon realize they have four.”

9. Talk about challenges regarding therapy.

Therapy requires resources, namely time and money, which as Howes says, “are increasingly hard to come by.” Also, some people might not have access to community resources or a good support system. Then there are also what Howes refers to as “backseat drivers,” “well-meaning loved ones who try to tell [clients] what to talk about in therapy, ask a million questions about it or even poke fun at them for being in therapy.”

Many clients don’t bring up these issues to their therapists. Instead, they might suddenly stop therapy or keep getting stressed out. Howes emphasizes the importance of talking to your therapist about these concerns, because together you can brainstorm solutions.

In general, therapy offers many benefits, whether you’re struggling with mental illness, a difficult life transition or other concerns. According to Howes, therapy is an opportunity “to try new things. It’s a place for thinkers to try feeling, busy people to practice slowing down, non-confrontational people to be assertive, people pleasers to practice thinking only about themselves, and cut-and-run people to learn the art of a healthy goodbye.”

He concludes, “It’s like taking a college course where you are the topic. Make the most of it!”