Excerpt of the Day: "The Available Parent" by Dr. John Duffy

Teenagers.  Just the thought of your sweet baby becoming one of those moody, rebellious, distant creatures can be terrifying.  But it doesn’t have to be.  Dr. John Duffy’s The Available Parent shows readers how they can begin to enjoy a healthy, satisfying, exciting new kind of relationship with their teenagers.

Take a look:

They look so different, don’t they, than they did when they were younger? Many of those soft, gentle, rounded features of childhood have been replaced with angles, edges, muscle, height, and hair. As preteens and teenagers, they seem pointier somehow. The face that for years wore a perpetual smile now carries something heavier in the brow, something more thoughtful or sullen. You fear loneliness or depression has befallen them. And the way they look, that’s just a part of it, isn’t it? They act differently, more self-conscious, moody, unpredictable, and concerned. Definitely less joyful. And then there’s the way they relate to you. What happened there? Your life together to date has been nearly blissful in comparison, filled with fun and laughter, learning and sharing.

That sharing part, that really seems missing today. They really don’t seem to want to talk with you or share with you at all. They seem distant and avoidant. Their bedroom is a vault, filled with secrets and answers you no longer feel privy to. You find yourself in the paradoxical position of grieving the loss of someone very much alive, someone you hear snoring, talking on the phone, or tromping to the bathroom upstairs. You feel evermore powerless and afraid. All their lives, you have heard and read about the horrors of adolescence, but always felt that your family would somehow get a pass. But here you are. Yet you know, deep in your heart, that it doesn’t have to be this way.

You are right.

If any of this resonates with you, you are right. Even if it has been this way for years, even if the same dynamic played out in your relationships with your parents, and their relationships with their parents, you are right. It does not have to be this way. I am writing this book because I have seen families change. I have been fortunate in my work to witness teenagers and parents reconnecting, doing so in healthy ways, ways that set the stage for growth all around. Yes, parenting an adolescent can be difficult at times, but

I know that with the right tools, and a dramatically different way of perceiving these years, you can recapture your bearings and find the joy again.

Now, I’m not sure why we as a culture feel the need to hold tight to the dread of adolescence. Perhaps we find some comfort in the idea that everybody feels this way about teenagers, so it must be true. Maybe it provides us with an excuse when things go wrong—“Well, like the books say, she’s crazy. What can I do?” Either way, I think a change in point of view, in which we see our teenagers as the extraordinary individuals that they are, will make parenting them far less daunting and far more enjoyable. For everybody.

Let's talk amongst ourselves, shall we?

Teach your teen how to talk again

Feb 15, 2012 12:00 PM by Mary Fetzer

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Too much texting takes a toll on teens TALK MORE, TEXT LESS As kids communicate more and more via texting, they're losing the ability to talk face-to-face with real people. Parents can stop this trend. "We have to pull teens out of the cyber world and into the joys of interacting with other people face to face. If we do not, we risk sending them into adulthood bereft of the social skills they will need for a successful career and relationships." -- Kevin J. Roberts. As the author of Cyber Junkie: Escape the Gaming and Internet Trap, Kevin J. Roberts speaks to parent groups across the country about how texting has affected communication among children. How texting falls short Research shows that conversation involves more than just words: 7 percent: the actual content of your message 38 percent: the tone of your voice 55 percent: body language "Effective communication requires all three of these components," says Roberts, "and a text message eliminates two of them." The result is miscommunication and a total breakdown of conversation. How texting impacts your child's writing skills >> Texting lacks empathy "For quick communications, such as 'I'll be home for dinner at six,' text messaging is great," says adolescent psychiatrist Sujatha Ramakrishna. "For maintaining relationships with other human beings, it pretty much stinks." "There's no way of knowing how the person on the other end is reacting." "If your daughter tells her friend that her shoes are hideous, and her friend starts crying, your daughter ends up feeling sad too," explains Dr. Ramakrishna. "Human beings naturally pick up on the feelings of others through facial expressions and body language. If someone else feels bad, we feel bad too. Through experiences like these, kids learn how to behave in ways that don't offend or upset others." But what happens when kids comment via text messages? "There's no way of knowing how the person on the other end is reacting," says Dr. Ramakrishna. "There's no incentive to stop hurting someone's feelings, and so the rude behavior continues. It's the reason that cyber-bullying is so common... and so damaging." Dr. Ramakrishna describes the "Dark Ages of Etiquette" >> Encourage real conversation The loss of regular language among our kids is a growing concern for Dr. John Duffy, clinical psychologist, parenting expert and author of The Available Parent: Radical Optimism for Raising Teens and Tweens. "We will never be able to 'beat' the texting revolution, but we can control the way we communicate with and relate to our kids," says Dr. Duffy, who offers these communication tips: What Draw out discussions with them. How Ask genuine, curious, open-ended questions. Where At the dinner table, in the car or wherever you can acquire their undivided attention. And do your part. "We can't expect our kids to speak with clarity and maturity if we're using the LOL shorthand on a regular basis," says Dr. Duffy. What your child wants you to know about his cell phone >> Set an example Have you every shooed your child away while texting a friend? Your kids are taking note. Dr. Lisa Greenberg, a licensed psychologist who works with teens and parents, encourages parents to put away their own electronic devices when they're with family. "Kids tell me that they want to talk to their parents but feel like the parents are glued to their own texting and can't be pulled away," says Dr. Greenberg. TIP Save your texting for when the kids are in school or after they've gone to bed. Be available -- without distraction -- when they need to talk to you. What else parents should know about texting Cell phones options for kids Cell phone safety tips for kids, tweens and children The new teen relationships: Teens who text and date